


The one with sex... FINALLY!

by Esyla



Series: You Don't Have To Be Insane in the Inquisition, But It Helps [6]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Wall Sex, trigger warning: the word moist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-13 04:56:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4508628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esyla/pseuds/Esyla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Inquisition puts the Warden's in a time out. Alistairs wife shows up. Solas mentions that maybe possibly the face tattoos are not the best idea.... kinda<br/>---------<br/>“Do you think your boyfriend is going to be mad at me?” Illya likes Fenris - they have a mutual blood lust thing going on. But that is one possessive elf.<br/>“If I were you I would be way more concerned about Ella.” Illya could feel her brain doing cartwheels to catch up. Yes, Alistair’s wife, who saved the entire kingdom from the blight, who killed an arch demon almost singlehandedly, who had a Golem for a best friend and was rather attached to her husband’s back side. <br/>	“MEDIC!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The one with sex... FINALLY!

**Author's Note:**

> NO ONE DIES IN THE ABYSS BECAUSE THAT WAS A STUPID FUCKING IDEA.
> 
> IN THE TIME IT TOOK YOU TO DECIDE EVERYONE COULD HAVE JUST FUCKING RUN. LIKE WHY?

“Just once I want to go on an adventure that doesn't involve this much ooze!”

* * *

They are storming the castle in the morning. Cullen is currently trying very hard to sleep but there is sand in his hair and it’s driving him slightly mad. It’s ridiculous, he has been on plenty of missions out in the field. Just not the bloody desert. He is the Commander of the Inquisition and he can’t sleep because there is sand everywhere. And he is convinced the weird noises coming from two tents over are being made by Dorian and Bull and his brain doesn't need that while it’s trying to sleep.

“If you keep frowning like that you are going to get stuck with that face.” Illya pokes at his forehead. He hadn’t heard her come into the tent. Cullen tried very hard not to be startled. Blast her assassin training.

“I am not a fan of the sand,” Cullen offers with a small grumble. Illya prods at him until he moves to the side of his bedroll so that she can slide under the blanket next to him. That's the other part about the desert that is making him a bit mad - the temperature. During the day they can fry an egg on his armor but at night time it's so cold he can feel his nose freezing. Illya takes this opportunity to shove her ice cold toes between his legs.

* * *

“Ow.”

“Ugh.”

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkk.”

“Holy shit.”

“Noooo.”

“Blast!”

“Maker’s TITS!”

“We are missing one. Who didn’t make their groan of pain?”

“THE FADE!”

“Found Solas! Alright, now that that’s sorted. Why are we upside down?”

“NOT FUCKING AGAIN!”

“Hawke found Alistair…. Good to hear.”

* * *

The rift is visible in the distance up the sloping stairs. The others have started to run towards it and Illya is bringing up the rear with Hawke and Alistair when the demon begins to approach. It’s a big spidery abomination.

“Oh my…”

“SHUT THE HELL UP AND RUN!” She slaps their asses with her blades and they duck and weave under the legs of the thing.

They barely make it out. Illya loses a boot. She is not pleased. But everyone else is extremely pleased.

“What the hell was that?” Hawke asks her, looking a little bit absolutely livid.

“You hero types always want to have a chit chat about which of us is going to die in a horrible way for honor so I just vetoed that idea and we all made it out alive. Win win.” Hawke doesn’t smile, he simply turns around to show the rather impressive slice across his ass. “Oh…..”

“Yes, ‘oh.’”

“Do you think your boyfriend is going to be mad at me?” Illya likes Fenris - they have a mutual blood lust thing going on. But that is one possessive elf.

“If I were you I would be way more concerned about Ella.” Illya could feel her brain doing cartwheels to catch up. Yes, Alistair’s wife, who saved the entire kingdom from the blight, who killed an arch demon almost singlehandedly, who had a Golem for a best friend and was rather attached to her husband’s back side.

“MEDIC!”

 

* * *

 

The Grey Wardens get a pass, because while Illya might not be overly pleased about the sheer amount of demons she had to fight, there will be blights in the future and Grey Wardens will be needed.

"Please put someone in charge who doesn't have one of those brain ticks that makes them think they are a hero that needs to die gloriously in battle," Illya tells the remaining Wardens. "Like Alistair."

"No, that's a horrible idea," Alistair protests instantly.

"Why?"

"One, I have absolutely no leadership qualities. Secondly, that would make me a higher ranking Warden than my wife and I don't believe in giving my wife orders."

 

* * *

 

Cullen is going to strangle her with his bare hands when he finds her. THE FADE. She fought a dragon and then fell into the actual fade. Illya can be reckless but this is a new low. They are clearing out other parts of the castle and Cullen goes off to look for their quite literally fearless leader to give her a piece of his mind.

He finds Illya stashed away in some odd corner of the castle. She has found one of the few towers not completely destroyed in the attack and is sitting on the edge of the window looking out at the desert.

"What is wrong with you?" Cullen practically shouts. Illya turns to look at him, spinning back into the room. "You go off and fight a dragon and then fall into the fade and the very next thing you do is go sit in a high up room and dangle off the edge because it’s that kind of afternoon."

Cullen is just so mad. He wants to shake her he is so mad. He wants to bundle her up in cotton and hide her under his bed he is so mad. Cullen has backed her into the wall next to the window with his advancing rage and the moment he gets a really good look into Illya's eyes he knows that he is about to do something really stupid.

Like kiss her senseless.

Cullen isn't sure which of them starts to disrobe first but the adrenaline of everything is making his brain go a little bonkers. He hasn't done this in so long. He hasn't had a fight like this where he was terrified for another person because he lost most of the people he cared about in the Templars long ago. And he hasn't had sex in years because despite the fact that he didn't vow chastity he always struggled with the concept of having sex outside of a relationship.

But he isn't a Templar anymore. He isn't taking Lyrium to dull him out. He is here, alive after a battle that seemed rather hopeless with the most beautiful woman he has ever seen in his arms and he wants to rip her clothes off right now.

It doesn't work out perfectly. Cullen still has his boots on and Illya's bracers never even get any attempt at removal. They get Illya mostly out of her armor, since it’s mostly light, chain mail and leather. But taking off his breast plate requires letting go of Illya and he isn't really keen with that idea.

"Cullen, leave the bloody breast plate on just get inside me before I cut you out of your pants," Illya demands. She is naked (mostly) and in his arms. They are still against the wall and her back is going to have cuts from the rough stone but right now that's not as important as the way she looks, and tastes, and feels.

All the things he has been wanting to do with his mouth suddenly come rushing back and Cullen doesn't have the willpower not to proceed. He is busy sucking a bruise into Illya's neck when she gives up waiting and does in fact cut his pants off of him and slide onto his dick. He should probably think of it in a more romantic way or compose sonnets to the way that Illya keeps her legs around his waist during the entire endeavor. But he doesn't because she quite literally takes a knife to the material of his pants just below her ass and then lifts herself up and slides right down onto him.

It's fantastic.

"You make me insane," he tells her as they breathe together.

"Says the man who walks around with a cape and fur," Illya huffs which turns into a moan.

"If you die I will go into the fade to kill you myself." Cullen thrusts deeper and harder to make his point. Illya pulls at his hair hard enough to hurt.

"I would get out of the fade myself just to get on your cock again," she whispers into his mouth and then comes apart in his arms. That shouldn't be such a fucking turn on. Andraste's Tits Illya is actually going to be the death of him, Cullen realizes as he has the best orgasm of his life.

 

* * *

 

"You, solider! Fetch me pants."

"Inquisitor?"

"Preferably in the Commander's size."

"Um?"

"Cullen, what size do you wear?"

"I don’t bloody know."

"FINE! How about you just give me your pants?"

"No thank you?"

"HE SAYS NO, CULLEN!"

"I can't come out of the tower until I have pants - you cut through my under garments!"

"I'll go get the Ambassador."

"HE RAN AWAY!"

"I am going to have a word with the troops the moment I get pants."

* * *

They are backing sky hold for all of two days when there is a loud horn blown up the mountain.

"Maker's Breath I am so dead!" Alistair cries and turns to run. A convoy of riders appears at the gates and half of Skyhold is suddenly groaning.

Ella Cousland, Hero of Fereldan, Grey Warden Commander, Newly Sister-In-Law to the Queen and Alistair's wife has arrived. If there was one thing the Inquisition never wanted was Ella and Illya in the same castle.

"Wife!" Alistair smiles and walks up to her with his arms open but his face looks scared.

"Alistair, I am gone for eight months and I come back to find that not only is the Chantry in ruins but so are the Grey Wardens. Explain." Ella Cousland is actually a rather short person. She is practically elf sized and even is dressed like one, in the leathers sacred to the Dalish. Her long black hair is pulled back from her face in a series of braids that are held together at the back of her head with a strip of leather covered in small spikes.

"It wasn't me," Alistair pleads.

"How sure are you?" Ella raises an eyebrow so sharp it could kill a man. It probably has.

"Pretty sure."

"Hello human male." The giant Golem that appears picks up Alistair and almost crushes him in its grasp.

"Shale, honey, Alistair can't breathe." Ella pats the Golem and it releases Alistair.

Some kind of argument breaks out in the group. There is a drunk dwarf that Alistair seems to be debating with.

"Do you think we should help?" Illya asks Varric.

"Nah, this is gonna get gross in about two minutes." Varric knows heros, he had to deal with enough of Hawke and Ferris and he knows what is literally about to happen.

"What makes you say that?" Illya does that head tilt that makes her look like a dog or an exotic bird.

"Wait for it." Varric holds up his hand. The festivities of the group seem to be spreading out into smaller groups, and yes there is Ella pulling Alistair away towards what looks like the stables.

"Blackwall is going to hate that," Varric points out.

"They have rooms here," Illya shakes her head.

"Oh, like you had a tent."

"Life or death fucking doesn't count."

"This is reunion fucking."

"Fine. No one tell Blackwall that they used his bed. I can't stand it when he pouts."

 

* * *

 

"Thank you all for coming to this meeting. As most of you know we are now at a critical point. This is life or death and we all need to work together to keep living in this world. We cannot for a minute relax because the very moment that we do Illya and Ella will some how meet and become best friends and at that point we will all be doomed."

"Um, excuse me?"

"Yes, Quartermaster?"

"If we are all here, where exactly are the Inquisitor and the Hero?"

***loud coughing***

"Excellent question. The Commander and the Grey Warden Alistair were both given important missions to keep the ladies occupied while we hold this tactics meeting."

"Those brave men."

"I heard that, Dorian!"

"Moving back to the point. After careful catalog of all the many instances of danger and ruin wrought by both our beloved Inquisitor and the Hero it has become clear that the following things need to also be carefully watched while they are both in residence: Anything that can be used to set fire to something, the blacksmith, small children, any plants that might be used to create smoke bombs, Sera, the mage's tower, drapes, keys to the dungeon, long sticks.....

**(4 hours later)**

......and finally the word Moist.’"

****  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry it took me so long to get back to this. Love you guys.  
> Bother me on tumblr. I need cheering up this week.


End file.
